Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Pyrocracker

Do you want to know the WORST thing about my visit to the chiropractor yesterday?

It was when the lady doing the x-rays told me, "Hold your breath. Let it all out. Okay, now breathe normal."

Breathe normal? She wants me to breathe normal? How in the Sam Hill does one breathe normal?

I wanted to yell at her, "It's normalLY. You need to add the LY! Please, I beg of you. Add the LY. You are driving me CRAZY!"

However, as much as I wanted to yell, I managed to remain semi calm and just limited myself to intense gnashing of my teeth each additional time she told me I could "breathe normal." (Grrrrrr.)

As for the exam itself, I think I have made the list of The Top Ten Most Difficult Patients of the Year for my wonderful chiropractor. (Or as Sarah used to say, "Pyrocracker.")

The good doctor made several valiant efforts to "adjust me" and was not overly successful. The highlight of the whole visit was when he was doing this thing where you lie on your side with one knee up and he kind of pushes and pulls and yanks at the same time and you feel like you're going to fall right off the table and your whole body goes into violent spasms of rebellion and your already tight muscles get even tighter and you have to resist a very strong urge to punch the nice doctor's lights out.

You know, that adjustment.

Anyway, right smack dab in the middle of it, I let out the loudest of loud yelps and when he was done I said, "I have always hated that particular adjustment!"

He promised that in the future he would find another way to do it; I think my yelping rather unnerved him.

After he had tried several other things (that didn't go real well) he paused for a moment and said, "You must REALLY have a lot of stress in your life."

I just laughed.

I'm sorry. I really did laugh in the face of my pyrocracker.

I said, "Yeah, you might say that."

The pain is still there. The stress is still there. I can't move easily or bend over. It hurts to get out of the chair. It hurts to get into bed. It hurts to even think about moving.

And so today I will go see the chiropractor once again and we will discuss the x-rays which "the breathing lady" took yesterday. Then he will once more attempt to get something to move in my tight-as-a-drum back and neck.

I'll be seeing him at 10 am for my Happy Adjustment Appointment and then I will immediately drive to Raleigh for my Happy Mammogram Appointment. And the timing is especially wonderful because my mammogram appointments always make me extra stressed, mainly because of my complicated history and the breast cancer scare of last year.

So this morning when I see the chiropractor, I will be bringing in an extra layer of stress with me! Isn't that just so very thoughtful of me? I'm a self-service patient! I provide my own stress!

I'm good like that.

8 Had Something To Say (Just click here!):

Angela L said...

I have to visit my chiropractor this week. How I relax is by thinking about my toes. Also my doctor does this technique called Active Release. It is kind of like massage but what it does is it works out the kinks in the muscles so that he not only fixes the bone alignment, the muscles don't pull the bones back out of alignment. It works wonders. 4 years ago even thinking about walking for long periods of time caused pain. Now I have completed 2 5km road races, and have my red belt in TaeKwonDo

Sue G said...

Wow. Just when I thought your plate was already pretty full, you heaped on some more anguish and pain. I'm so sorry you are feeling as if the walls and ceiling are caving in around you. They aren't really, but I know it feels like they are. And you can't really hide, can you, because every where you go, there you are.

I know your readers are praying for you and for your entire family. I know God hears our prayers and has a plan for your family. I know you could use some help being patient while you await His Big Reveal. I know it's getting to the point where there isn't enough chocolate to make a difference.

We're on it, Bec. We are storming heaven on your behalf. And God is listening. In fact, He is whispering in our ears, giving sage advice to help you. And so I will share that advice with you in the hope that it will give you peace. He said...

Wait for it...

You know it's coming...

He said...

"Breathe normal."


MaryH said...

Here's a wish and a hope and a prayer for a less stressful adjustment from the chiro - and good results from the mammo and then I think you need some chocolate!!!! And maybe a new pair of sandals. That was a strange one, Becky. But I agree, those sandals must have endured great stress themselves prior to your ownership and just looked gently used and pristine - because they just gave out under the pressure of fashion and southern heat. Now, don't you do that!

Anonymous said...

Sue G said it all so well! I think I know the adjustment you're talking about - supposed to adjust the most low back/hip area? Yeah, not my favorite either! If your chiro allows, try this very mild stretch: Lie on the floor on your back with the lower half of your legs on the seat of a chair and scoot your tush in gently. You basically look like your sitting on a chair and the chair back is laying on the floor. You can support your head with a small pillow or your hands if you want. Then do diaphramatic breathing (the kind where your stomach rises and falls) as best you can and go to your happy place - ya' know the Isle of Chocolate or something! Anyway, I have actually fallen asleep doing this! Just do it all GENTLY!

Love ya'


krueth said...

Please get some ice on your back...that will help with the imflamation so much...and I agree with the one who said to do some stretches, your chiropractor can tell you and show you how to do some easy stretches that will help your back....but really, get the ice on it will help sooo much...Wendy

Lyndsay said...

I hope that today's medical appointments work out okay! I'll be thinking about you.

Did your pyrocracker do the trick where they distract you and when you say "whaa?.." they SNAP you? Apparently it's the best way to ensure you're relaxed and not tensed-up waiting for them to make their move.

I think it's just sneaky.

Lauren said...

I wish I could send my chiropractor to you! He is wonderful and does a fairly painless adjustment and then an hour massage (well, his chirpy assistant does the massage) for $40. If he were not married, I would have to marry him myself, I think.

Anonymous said...

Hi Becky,

If you're finding that this chiro is not effective for you, may I suggest you make a few calls and look for a chiro who does "activator" adjustments? I have a tricky body with brittle bones, hypermobile tissues, a spinal fracture etc... where a "normal" physical adjustment could do damage. The activator is like a little spring loaded click pen and gives a very effective adjustment in the feeling of a little "click". No twisting, turns, pulling etc... And much safer as far as worries about nerve entrapments etc.. go.

Hope that helps. I went from using a w/c and not standing more than 5 mins, to now regularly partaking in long walks, and working on my feet.

Just a suggestion, should you need a dr with another trick up his sleeve.

Thinking of you, hope you feel better! -Tess