Friday, April 30, 2010

Loss.

Not such a great day, so far.

I've spent most of it asleep, after being awake briefly for meds and breakfast. My (four, ugly, annoying, gross, uncomfortable) drains are bothering me more than usual; I guess I'm just so ready to be rid of them. We're scheduled to go to Greenville to meet with both surgeons on Monday for a post-op visit and let me just say that if they don't decide to remove the drains on that visit--well, I will not be a happy woman. Can't shower, can't dress normally, can't move normally. Can't be normal.

The weather outside is gorgeous. Manteo is springtime is unbelievable with hundreds of varieties of trees and flowers and plants of every description. I look out the window and see women my age, walking, jogging, looking "normal" and fit and lovely, and I sigh and drag myself back to bed, arrange my sad little body into the bed's contours and give myself over to yet another nap.

I can't do much of anything for Steve or Sarah and they are so patient and loving about it all--it's just that when you're a mom and wife, you WANT to be a mom and wife.

Debbie and I removed the dressings from the surgery site on Tuesday (I just happened to get the courage to do it when she was home and Steve wasn't--otherwise he would have helped) and I'm still getting over the emotional and psychological wham-o of seeing the reality of the type of surgery I've had. Nothing prepares you for that sight. That first look. The reality of what was and what will never be again.

Loss would be a good word for what I'm feeling today.

23 Had Something To Say (Just click here!):

Lyndsay said...

((((HUGS))))

PS - you wouldn't want to be JOGGING anyway, would you?! Just teasing - I hope your up and about very soon enjoying the springtime sun and fresh air.

Anonymous said...

(((HUGS)))

There is no way to sugar coat it, it's very tough thing to go thru. When I saw the picture of the drains it really hit home, this is just going to be a really yucky, terrible, no good, very bad week for you. Let's put things on fast forward to next Monday and try again later!

Jean C.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, dear friend. Lifting you up for peace and a quick release from the painkillers and drains. Coming off of the painkillers can also contribute to being off-kilter emotionally. It took me 5 days to get rid of the anesthesia for a colonoscopy - I might assume that it may take longer to bounce back from the anesthesia & meds you've been on.

Even with multiple lengthy naps, you ARE still wonderful wife and mother! It's okay to take this time God's giving you to allow yourself to be ministered to by your family - God is blessing them in this ministry to you so allow them to be blessed! Just for a time...not forever...just while you're in this hallway.

I have not had to lose any body parts except for a couple teeth along life's way and cannot even begin to comprehend how it was to view your reflection altered. So I'm not ignoring this aspect, I'm just shutting up!

Love you and praying,

Guerrina

Lesley said...

You sound so sad. It's a huge adjustment.
When is Nathan coming home? Not soon enough I bet. Hang on Becky.

Anonymous said...

Gentle hugs~~

MaryH said...

Becky, you are noticing the beauty of the world outside - that is something - there is promise, there is hope, there is a portion of a very difficult path to still navigate. Last week this time it was all in front of you. Remind yourself the distance that is behind you. You will feel so much better when those drains are out and you can function more normally. Until then, sleep when needed or desired, let yourself grieve if you feel you need to, let everyone pamper you and care for you. There will be plenty of times to pay back this kindness and care. Praying for each day to be a little better than the last.

cK said...

Oh Becky, I grieve with you on your loss but am heartened by your ability to still see the beauty of the world and your desire to get back to life with your family.

Hoping that this weekend brings further recovery and Monday releases you from those drains!

Hugs and Prayers

MaryH said...

Well, goodness sake - I missed the entry before this one!! I was so touched by the look on your mom's face when she was with you in recovery - just like you had looked at Sarah so many times when she was recovering from surgery or a procedure or treatement- and the look on Sarah's face giving you sips of water - she loves you so much and knew exactly what would make it better because she has been there. You SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STAY in that lovely room for at least 4 more days - that would have been the humane, responsible and sensible allowed stay for someone who went through such a major surgery - the sign from your church family was a wonderful greeting and then to see Snowy in his official Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy role was wonderful. He also has a sweet expression on his face also(and a very serious demeanor about him). He knew his job was big and important and he was ready to tackle it. Praying some more for you.

MN Mom said...

I can certainly understand why you feel that you are missing out on the beautiful springtime, but remember you have done this so you can enjoy many, many more springtimes in the future! I would really encourage you to seek out the volunteers from the American Cancer Society who have gone through what you are going through and are wonderful to talk with. If you didn't have a sense of loss, I would worry, but you are so much more than just body parts!
My prayers are with you. Monday will hopefully bring you escape from the drains, and a clearer vision of the road ahead.

Liz

Catherine Anne said...

Lifting you up in prayer today

Sue G said...

The loss is real. I get that. I remember the first time I saw my mom after her radical mastectomy. It was a lot to take in. And that was before reconstruction was common, or in my mom's case, even possible. So, now you've seen it, and the reality of it has hit you hard.

Take some time to digest it, Becky. No one is expecting you to follow a time table. Your grief is your journey and your healing is your journey. Both will be determined by you, based on your readiness, your spirit, your strength, your physical stamina, your faith, and your pace.

But, beyond the loss there is gain. You stand to gain a lifetime of living...of moments that will be joyful and sometimes painful because that is part of life and living. But living, Becky...such a gift. And it won't be a continual struggle against physical pain and fatigue. It will be laced with joyful moments, wonderful memories in the making, and lots of love.

When Sarah was sick, you mourned the loss of her innocence. And, yet, here she is today, a wonderful young lady, healthy, happy, full of life and love and laughter. She has gained so much more than she has lost.

It won't be long, Becky, before you experience that same knowledge...the knowing that what you sacrificed was minimal compared to what you gained.

Until that day, just know that you are not alone in this journey, that your life is filled with prayers, that you are lifted up in love and possibility, and that you are cherished.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there...you know how much we all care for you!

Heidi in ND

Anonymous said...

It is a loss. It's a loss of part of you and part of your identity. BUT...it's only part. It is only one small facet of who YOU are. Just remember...one day...you will feel better. You will adjust...you are you...no matter what.

Lisa said...

Oh Becky... praying still...

Anonymous said...

Becky,

My heart just breaks to hear you in so much pain both physically and emotionally. You have been through so much this week and I can't help but wonder what things from the past are seeping into your brain as well.

What you are feeling is so completely normal.

You will get through it! Take it easy, pamper yourself, and be pampered by others. I am sure Sarah has been an amazing nurse and special friend to you during this time of healing.

Monday will be here before you know it and hopefully he will remove the drains (what a relief that will be)? Specific prayers for drain removal have begun! Anything else specific we should pray for? Just name it and we will all pray for it!

How much longer will Mom and Deb be staying with you?

Be sure to eat, take your meds and sleep as much as you need to. And drink, drink, drink. I know for a fact that YOU, DO, THE DIET DEW. Perhaps, treat yourself to the REGULAR DEW. You would probably benefit from the extra calories and such.

Oh, and the sign from the Church, OUTSTANDING! To be part of something so incredibly amazing makes me cry, happy tears! Just thinking about the love your Parish feels for you and your family---BEAUTIFUL! When I saw the picture in one of your latest posts I immediately cried.

I am sending many gentle hugs from IL to NC!

Love,

Jodi


PS. Any house news?

Trine said...

Becky, I have don't know what to say, but i just want you to let you know that I am thinking of you and I am sending all my love from my little house.

Frapper said...

I'm sorry that today's such a down day for you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to feel down while you need to. You've had surgery which affects every one of your systems, and each one needs to recover wholly for you to feel better again. I hope all the beautiful spring sights you see are a reminder that things will turn around and start improving. I'm hopeful that it's like in the midst of winter you can't imagine feeling really warm or seeing flowers bloom, and then suddenly one day you find you are thinking about raking the yard and planting petunias because all the nastiness of winter has passed. I think as women, we're often really hard on ourselves in so many ways because we want to be the strong ones and the nurturers, and when we're laid low, it's hard to adjust to. I hope you can give yourself time to just "be" and feel sad for a time if that's what you're needing now, and know that over time you will be able to resume your role as it was before. My prayers continue for you and your family.

Michelle Meredith said...

Those drains are no fun...that's for sure. I know how you feel, and I also know how it feels to be told, "One more week." After two weeks with my drains and then being told one more week I decided to quit complaining about having to lay around and let everyone do everything for me. I spent my third week with my last drain reminding myself of all the times I've been so busy and all I wanted was someone to clean my house, do my laundry and cook my dinner so I could just read a book or take a nap. I also had a hard time letting people help me. But then I finally figured out that by letting them help me I was helping them feel better. Last thing...be a little old lady and go get your hair washed and set. Go every two or three days. It will make you feel clean, even though you haven't showered in a week! It always made me feel better. Please call me anytime if you have any questions about anything. It's all still fresh in my mind and I'd be more than happy to talk you through some bad days or answer any questions about what to expect next. 216-7288

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going through this and having a rough day.

And those women you see outside have surely been through stuff that left them inside and an invalid at some point in time. It is just part of life.

I know what you went through is/will be difficult. But I think the worst is behind you and you will get back to your normal productive self soon. Getting those meds out of your system will help a lot I think. I will pray for this. Jill-FL

Anonymous said...

oh ((((Hugs)))!

Kris H

momoftwoinillinois said...

Becky,

With loss comes gain.

With darkness comes the light.

Jesus has always promised us he would never let us walk alone, and often times it may have seemed that you were struggling in your thoughts, fears, and uncertainties alone, however, you were not. He is there, listening, He feels your most intimate pain and shares in your sorrow.... but we can lift up our heads and look for tommorrow, because in Him there is HOPE. Hope gives us the strength to go on when we think we have nothing left to offer, strength to smile when we don't feel much like smiling, and being grateful in His presence, because we know that we are children of God and that we have everything in Him.

That alone, is cause to smile, and thank Him for all of His wonderful blessings in our life and the gift of eternal salvation.

I don't know, but...yet, I just KNEW He was going to fix this situation with your other house by the appointed time. I could feel it in my heart. Actually, when I read it, I was not even surprised. I just knew God was working through this entire situation and He would arrange it where your family would have this extra burden lifted from your shoulders by your set deadline.

I know the recovery process is long and difficult, yet, I am continuing to pray for you and your restored health, as well as your family. :)

In Christ...

Melody Wedding

Lauren said...

You know, I hadn't thought about it those terms before, but this entry really hit home with me. I lost one of my eyes to glaucoma when I was 16, and although I obviously *knew* what was going to happen as a result of the surgery, you're right, there's nothing like that first look at yourself *after* surgery when it really hits home for the first time. It's hard to look at yourself and realize that what was is not going to be anymore, but hopefully it will be for the better - my surgery definitely changed my quality of life, and I'm sure this will change yours as well.

I drove past First Assembly in Mooresville today on my way home from the library, and said an extra prayer for you.

Ann Martin said...

So sorry you are having a rough time but I know you'll bounce back soon. The beauty of nature and the lovely place you live will have you feeling better soon. You have life, Becky, and I cannot begin to say I know how you feel. I have several friends who have been where you are and they are thankful for a wonderful life today. One is a 12 year survivor and had reconstruction last year. You are my hero and love to all. HUGS, Hugs, hugs