Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Morose

Still feeling miserable. Didn't sleep well last night. Had some problems with my meds. I still hurt. I'm still wondering if I will make it through this whole experience. Wondering if it's all worth it.

Tired. Crabby. Sad.

I have a very patient family.

In other news, Steve is doing everything in his power to get our housing crisis resolved by Friday, which as you know is our Big Looming Deadline.

At this point it looks as though we may have something in the works, but there's no done deal until a signature is on the paper.

For now, though, I'm taking my miserable, morose self back to bed.

Maybe things will get better soon but I just don't feel like I'm making progress toward getting better. And it's discouraging.

52 Had Something To Say (Just click here!):

Love Being a Nonny said...

Keep your head up...you are further than you were two weeks ago, or even yesterday. Every day gets you one day closer to complete healing. Still praying.

MN Mom said...

Oh, Becky, I am so sorry you are feeling so miserable. As I said before, just sleep as much as you can, and then walk around if at all possible. You are so used to being able to do everything, and this is a time when you just have to let go. Praying always! Hang in there!

Liz

Sheri Holthe (Oleson) said...

I am so sorry this is such a hard road that God has lead you down. He is still walking it with you, He knows your pains and your fears. You are making progress. Good luck and we are praying for some good rest and the pain to go away so you can start feeling better sooner than later.

Lisa said...

Sorry to hear that's it's been so very hard. Praying for you today.

Ang said...

Praying for you!

Lesley said...

Becky, you had a HUGE surgery and I think you are expecting too much from yourself. It's only been a few days, girlie!
My dad, who is a thoracic surgeon, says it doesn't matter how fast you are going, it only matters that you are going in the right direction. And you are!
You haven't had to go back to the hospital, you aren't throwing up anymore, you are able to walk a bit...I know it's easy for me to say, but being an RN, I think of the medical, logical side of things.
I know you are impatient to feel well, I don't blame you. It's a rough go of it that you are having. But, give your body a chance. It knows what it is doing, even if you don't:)
Good thoughts are sent your way and hang in there. You are doing so well♥

MaryH said...

You are slogging through the worst of it right now, but the worst of the worst is behind you but you are just too worn out to realize that - that is completely understandable. Dear Becky, you will make it through - yes, indeed, you will because I have confidence in your fight and strength. Praying for much, much better days (like RIGHT NOW!)

P.S. Once Steve has gotten the housing situation resolved, there will be a little less worry in your poor worn out, pained, stressed out head and body. I think that could very well be a catalyst to more physical improvement. At least I hope so.

SuperSuz said...

Praying for you...

Liz said...

Praying for you!

Ericka said...

Becky,

It's been less than a week, so while you should totally allow yourself to feel sad and frustrated with how miserable your body feels right now, remember that it's very early days yet and this isn't permanent. It really isn't. You will heal.

After all, have you ever heard of someone having a mastectomy and then not healing from it for the next 3 decades of their life? :)

Lots of internet love coming your way. Hang in there. Bodies take some time to recover from trauma but they do it.

Tammy said...

You've been through so much Becky, give yourself permission to go as slow as your body needs! Your spirit and mind will catch up, I promise! A few months from now you will be in a moment of enjoying life to the fullest and think "Wow...I can't believe I've come this far!" Believe that!

Wanda said...

So sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. Even though it's easy enough for others to say "it'll get better", I know right now you feel miserable. You have a right to feel miserable, even be angry, and sad. Just know prayers are being lifted up for you and I hope tonight and tomorrow are better for you.
Wanda

Eva said...

Dear Becky,

This is certainly not a time for setting goals, aiming at making progress, much less wondering how you will go through the whole experience... Your mind seems to be so overactively healthy! :-)

There are times when you have just enough strength to take the next breath, to move slowly to the next moment, to look at what is present... Sure the miracle is that the next breath will lead to the next and to the next... and that this way a new day will greet you, a new step will be accomplished, a new healing milestone will be reached... without you needing to believe or to picture any of it for now...

For now, keep breathing... and sleeping whenever you can.

With love,
Eva

Anonymous said...

I'm not going to say anything at all because I never enjoy hearing how it's going to get better when all I feel is horrible NOW!Instead I will offer you prayers for a very speedy recovery and some (((((HUGS))))))

Dana in SC
:D

Lyndsay said...

Hang in there Becky. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

I'm glad your family is taking good care of you.

Good luck with the house situation, I hope it all works out.

Anonymous said...

Becky? Listen to all the other commentors! Let your body have the time it's telling you it needs. Don't rush yourself lest you end up with a longer recovery time. It's not time to be a Type A Personality, girl! Go to sleep, go to the bathroom, eat, take drugs, go back to sleep. Jesus is holding you and Snowy is most certainly guarding you, too.

Love,
Guerrina

Sue said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, Becky. I'm praying for you every day. It's ok to feel morose and discouraged. Your body has been through extreme trauma. It's natural for everything about your thinking and emotions to be all haywire... cause physically nothing is normal.

Anonymous said...

Its been less than a week after major, life-saving surgery. I think what you're feeling would be considered normal. I pray that your days get easier for you...

Cindy from VA

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better soon but remember this was major major surgery and it hasn't even been a week I hope you have nice weather there so you can maybe sit in a comfy chair on your deck and get a bit of sunshine.
Remember too, although they are necessary, painkillers are a depressant and can drag you down. My surgeon told me the sooner I could switch to Tyleno the better all around. Of course though you can't let the pain get out of hand so it is a delicate balence. Hang in there andhopefully you will feel yourself turning the corner soon.
Min

Redeemed1 said...

Hang in there...praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Sorry you are feeling so yucky. I hope you will give yourself some time to rest and recover, physically and emotionally. You give so much to others, now it's time to heal. Pam T

Margie said...

You are getting better & remember we all love you.

jenwales said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so cruddy, Becky.

Stop fighting it...surrender. Allow yourself to feel bad physically and mentally without feeling guilty about it. It is what it is and what it is stinks.

You are making progress. Even if it doesn't feel like you are making giant strides, those little shuffles will get you across the room.

Debbie Taylor said...

Praying for peace and comfort for you and praying that the housing situation is resolved. I'm headed to Bible study at Paw Creek soon and we'll be praying for you there as well.

Love you all,
Debbie

tylersmama said...

You are getting there, even if it seems like you aren't. Being in the world of medicine myself, we like to say that if things aren't worse, they're better! That's just how healing goes. You are a very strong person and you can do this!!! We are all praying for you and believe in you! xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

You are dealing with physical and mental pain.
You are grieving.
Everyone has the right to grieve in their own time and manner. Go ahead and cry, or sleep or throw something, I don't think anyone would condemn you for your actions, considering your situation.
You will become Becky again...a new Becky, a different Becky, a Becky who loves and is loved by many.

Kathie Mayo

Lisa said...

Things will get better - I know they will. I'm praying for that to happen sooner rather than later. Our heavenly Father knows right where you stand and He cares Becky.

(((((HUGS)))))

Jan said...

Becky, please think about that old story of "Footprints in the Sand." Then lie back and let yourself be carried! You've helped carry others for years, and you'll do it again soon. But for now, let your Lord and your loved ones carry you!

Anonymous said...

Becky,
Praying for you. Wish I could wave a magic wand and have you feeling better RIGHT NOW!!! Praying the house situation!
Karen B in Dallas

Anonymous said...

Becky,

The wisest and most noteworthy thing I could think to say to you is for you to stop for a moment--and take whatever advice you would give your own princess groovy chick--and do for yourself or let others do for you--exactly what you did for Sarah when it was she that was sick, in pain, miserable and struggling.

I know that doesn't take away the miserable, sad, horrid struggle that you are going through--so while I'm at it, I will also send you hugs and many many MANY prayers.

God bless
Vicky in Indiana

Sue G said...

Gosh, five days after major surgery and you're not doing sprints to the closest Walgreen's?

Five days after my nephrectomy, I was being released from the hospital while trying to figure out how to walk and breathe at the same time. Didn't work. Had to choose one or the other.

Be patient with yourself, Becky. One day at a time. This is your time to heal. That is the only job you have right now. Everyone else can do whatever needs to be done. You just heal.

Heal. Rest. Believe. Trust. Heal. Rest. Believe. Trust.

Love you.

Dianna in Louisiana said...

GIGANTIC hugs Becky! I wish there were some fabulous words that I could write that could just take away your pain. Since there are, of course, none, I'll just say this...... as tough as this is now, and for everything you are going through, God has a plan. Just as he's used Sarah's journey to reach the masses, so too will use yours to reach the lost..... he already is. Your fragility at this time is to be expected. You've been through a traumatic event and you need time to heal, both physically and emotionally. You will get through this and when all is said and done, you will be stronger and possess more love because of it. Inch by inch, step by step...... you will get through this.

Prayers that the Lord and those he blessed you with continue to wrap you in love.

Nancy said...

Oh you poor dear. I feel so bad for you! Every hour that goes by gets you closer to feeling well again. Remember, people all around the country are praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

So sorry you're having a bad day! Sending you prayers and positive vibes...and a little sunshine. I hope you feel better when you wake up.

Kris H

Anonymous said...

Becky, I realize that you're not feeling your best right now, but you need to know the impact you're having on me. You're such an inspiration to me. I am scheduled to have a bilat mast w/immediate recon in a few weeks, and know from reading your journey that I, too, can do this. You're extremely brave, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Catherine said...

This is a miserable time. Any support groups in your area? Anyone gone through your experience? It can help.

I wish I lived nearby, though I think you want time to yourself when you aren't feeling well. I really hurt for you, Becky. I know your family is hurting too, as you are such the center of it.

I am glad your sister and mom are there. Any visiting nurses available to help with the hands on care so that they can tend more to your spirits?

My prayers are with you.

Jen said...

I am sorry you are not feeling better yet. I will keep you in my prayers. Things are sure to look up...

Michelle said...

The worst is behind you now, Becky. Thank goodness your Cancer is gone!!! All you need to do now is focus on healing ... keep your eye on the prize! :)

You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Darla Hall said...

Becky,
Please cut yourself a break, it's okay not to be your chipper positive self. Even us beleivers are going to have down thoughts and feelings. When you feel to overwhelmed, just lay it all down and crawl back into bed. You are an amazing person, the fact that you had this major surgery practically out-patient is unbeleivable. My freind had the same surgery and was in the hospital for 5 days.
We love you and are keeping you close in thought and prayer.
Darla

Anonymous said...

Dear Becky,

I am sorry that you are having a rough time right now, but remember, you have had MAJOR surgery. It has only been 6 days since your surgery, and every day will bring you closer to feeling better. While many of us have not been down the path you are on, we are all with you, praying and hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Debbie in Sacramento

Anonymous said...

It will get better. Don't give up...
Hang in there. Hugs from Iowa,
Marjie

Anonymous said...

I have a friend that recently went through this and I know her second week was so much better than the first. It will get better! Praying for you.

Gayle in AL

Anonymous said...

I say that if you want a pity-party, then you darn well deserve one! BUT...We all are praying for better days (hours/minutes, whatever we can get you). I don't suppose this will last forever, but that's hardly comforting right now, so may the Lord hold you in this time.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you.
The Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.

-Robin-

Anonymous said...

Sweet Becky, this too shall pass. Don't give up and don't give in. Just hold on to Jesus - He WILL see you thru this, and life WILL be beautiful again. Praying for you tonight in Idaho. Love you.
jenny

Anonymous said...

Becky,

I'm praying for you on so many levels. I'm adding strength to endure to the list. It is devastating what you've had to face... devastating. I promise to continue to hold you up in prayer.

Cindy in Walla Walla

Ann Martin said...

Praying you'll feel better soon. My Daddy's favorite saying was, "Think how good it will feel when it stops hurting." Just rest and know this too shall pass. One of the speakers last week stated we need to remember the scripture "And it came to pass" because it means we'll get through whatever is going on at the time. You'll make it because you are Becky Smith and always come through. Hopefully coming off the meds will make you feel better because they can make you feel lousy. One day soon the sun will shine for you. Love and hugs with the prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hope you are feeling better soon. Definitely a rough road both emotionally and physically. I'm glad you have a super support system in place, especially that bossy sister!

Prayers and hugs,
Connie F-G

Anonymous said...

becky
so sorry your recovery isn't as you expected!
praying that today is a good day for you and that tomorrow will be even better, and that Saturday will be the best, and that Sunday will be the bestest!!!

xxoo
mrs pam

Anonymous said...

Becky, Thinking of you and praying for you. I hope today is a better day for you and each day just keeps getting better. Also praying about the housing issue. Don't worry, just FROG (fully rely on God)! Hugs to all . . .
Linda in Pittsburgh

momoftwoinillinois said...

Becky,

I know that lately, your road has been rough... but I love this small poem, and even if you've read it a hundred times before... read it again, because it always seems to have new meaning everytime you need it.

I am praying for you and restoration of health.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.


Love,

Melody Wedding

jmckemie said...

So sorry to hear you are still struggling so. It WILL get better. This was no little thing you just endured and it takes time - time that is likely seeming to stand still when you are in the midst of the worst part of recovery. Hang in there. If I was a betting person I would bet that you really are doing better than you might thing you are.

Anonymous said...

This is a quote from author Anne Lamott, which I often thing of when things are rough:
"Carolyn Myss, the medical intuitive who writes and lectures about why people don't heal, flew to Russia a few years ago to give some lectures. Everything that could go wrong did flights were canceled or overbooked,connections missed, her reserved room at the hotel given to someone else. She kept trying to be a good sport, but finally, two mornings later, on the train to her conference on healing,she began to whine at the man sitting beside her about how infuriating her journey had been thus far. It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama.
And he said – gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born
- and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."