Snowy Goes To College (Part 4)

(Note: Since Snowy has been to college for six weeks now, he wanted to try writing this edition all by himself.)

Last Thursday night, I gathered my family into the car and we headed out for my weekly college class.

I always stay very busy on the trip to school, protecting The Fam from any bad guys lurking in the vicinity and also, admiring the view. I just love being an Outer Banks dog. (Even though I’m afraid of the water. Um. Please forget I said that.)

When we got to the college, Sarah and I did a little browsing before class started.

I didn’t see anything I couldn’t live without until I spotted this sign. That sign was so me. I asked my Parental Units to buy it and put it on the back of the van next to Nathan’s Southeastern University sticker. For some reason, they refrained. Sigh. I guess they just don’t want to appear to be too boastful about my superior intellect.

Well, as we all know, all good things must come to an end and much sooner than I hoped for, it was time to stop shopping and time to start college-ing. I was the first student to enter the training room and I be-bopped in there like I was king of the world. (Which, as far as I know, I am.)

And then, I saw this. The Big Dude. The Big Bad Dude. All alone in the room. Without its owner. (Who is also my college teacher.) Just staring at me. Just waiting for me. Just licking its chops at the thought of me as a tasty pre-dinner snack.

I started experiencing a little, “Let’s run away from this bad dude” anxiety.

“Sister? Um, hello, Sister? Isn’t it about time for us to go home now? Please?”

Um. I know I’m a macho doggie and everything, but would you just protect me from that Big Bad Dude? (And I can’t believe I am asking a girl to protect me. A girl of all people!)

Oh good. There’s the teacher. Let me have a word with him.

“Excuse me, Mr.Teacher. Could we have a 'Teeny Dog is Afraid of the Very Large Dog' conference? Could I possibly Clep out of this course? Please? Or could you maybe ask the Big Dude to remove his Dude-ness to another room? Or something? Pretty please? I’m feeling intimidated, here.”

Um, wait! No! That isn’t what I had in mind. Not at all! You misunderstood me! You misunderstood me totally and irrefutably! I meant for you to take the Big Dude to another room. I do not recall asking you to take me closer to the Big Dude. Hello? Are you even listening to me down here?

Um. Wait. What is this I see as I approach the Big Dude? Do I see . . . can it be . . . do I see a flash of . . . um . . . pink?

No! It can’t be! It can’t possibly be! I have spent the last six weeks being freaked out by a girl! A GIRL? How utterly humiliating is that?

I have been calling a girl a Big Dude? How could I not have known? Oh, I am so embarrassed. Utterly downcast and disheartened. I wonder what the guys will have to say about this! Snowy is afraid of a girl! With pink toe-nails! Na-na-na-na-na. Oh, my life is so over.

But wait. It’s time to get a grip. It's time to focus. It’s time to settle down. I’ve got college to do. I am a college-going machine. I am definitely Harvard material. I am intelligent. I am sometimes even brilliant. I must listen to what the teacher is saying. I must put aside my public humiliation and concentrate my intellectual prowess on tonight’s lesson.

Now, I’m not meaning to brag or anything, but I do believe that I am the most gifted, the most focused student in the room. I mean, look at this dog! Does she look focused? Does she look brilliant? I think not.

However, I do have to admit that even while lolling around, she is still following our Official Dog College Rule of having at least two paws on the rug at all times, until asked to move. Good “paw placing," girlfriend!

And speaking of girlfriends, it greatly saddens me to have to report to you that Maggie (whom I was trying to court so that I could marry into her restaurant-owning, food-producing clan), was absent from this week's class. How in the world am I supposed to court a gal who doesn’t even have the courtesy to show up and be courted? Women!

Oh, wait a minute. Wait just one minute. Does it look to you like Gabby (and Sable, of the pink painted nails) are both looking me over? Look at the lovelorn look on Gabby’s face. What do you think it means? Where is Dear Abby when you need her? Abby, hello? Should I forget about Maggie and start working on Gabby? Do you think I should just forego initiating a relationship with Sable (of the pink painted nails) since I’ve spent the last six weeks being terrified of her? Do you think that sort of psychological barrier could stand in the way of a healthy relationship? Abby? Are you there? I’m feelin’ a little confused over here!

Wait a minute. The teacher is saying something. He is saying that I can’t spend the whole class period lookin’ at the ladies. It’s time to actually do something. Like actually learn.

How quaint is that?

Hold on ladies, I’ll be right back. I’ve got important work to do. And remember, the more college education I get, the better I’ll be able to provide for whichever one of you lucky girls I decide to choose.

Let’s get to work, Sister!

In this picture, I’m standing up very tall so that I can hear my teacher better. (And also, so that I can show off my amazing fluffy physique to the ladies!)

Um. Something tells me that THIS lady is not going to be too impressed with a physique consisting primarily of fluffiness. Would it be too forward of me to say that she is buff? Well, then I’ll say it. She is buff! (And incredibly well trained. And brilliant. And obedient. Really, a lot like me. Well, except for the pink toenails. Which I am quite sure she had done just for me.)

Please take note of the fact once again that whatever I do, wherever I go, Gabby can’t tear her eyes away from me. I’ve always affected women like that. I just can’t help it. It’s the fluffiness that draws them.

Hold on just a minute. Who gave the secret signal that it’s “meet and greet” time? I don’t believe I got that memo.

I’m not saying I’m shy or anything, but peering out from behind Sarah’s legs seems to be a really good place to be. There are just way too many women in this room.

Okay. Hold on. Wait just a doggone minute! What’s going on here? I can’t really say that I’m down with this sort of canine behavior. I think I’d better blow this joint before one of those ladies heads in my direction! Whoa. I just don’t think we know each other well enough for this sort of conversation. I am so. Out. Of Here.

The End.

__________________________________

The question was asked in the Comments Section if the metal piece on Steve's office wall was purchased at Big Lots. Actually, we got that at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.