Wednesday, August 26, 2009

No Carb Is Safe

Today has not been a real happy day for me.

It's 2:05 pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Steve and Sarah have gone to the store to get the groceries I can find no energy to buy.

All day, I have felt this immense and intense need to stuff as many carbs into my mouth as I can possibly manage. In order to preserve any small shred of self respect that I may still currently possess, I will not list for you here the names or quantities of the carbs of which I have partaken.

Just trust me when I say that on days like today, proteins are anathema and carbs are divine. There's just something about carbs that whisper as they disappear down the gullet, "Everything is okay. You're going to make it. Life will go on."

For instance, if I compare a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie right now with a chicken breast, the chicken breast doesn't stand a chance. My dear husband, on the other hand, has come home from the funeral craving fresh, crunchy vegetables.

How is that even possible?

I am craving Fritos. And Reeses Pieces. And Little Debbie products of all varieties. And potatoes. And ice cream. And lemon pie. And all manner of mushy morsels.

Please tell me that I will eventually have energy. And I won't always want to take endless naps. And that I will someday crawl out of my pajamas. And that I won't want to cry so much. And that my carb cravings will back off to their normal pre-funeral levels.

In the meantime, I think you know what I'll be doing.

In this house, in this present emotional climate--no carb is safe.

14 Had Something To Say (Just click here!):

Elaine said...

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Anonymous said...

Oh, Becky, I understand all too well what you are going through! {{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Linda in Pittsburgh

Anonymous said...

Becky, Becky, Becky...

I will be the first to tell you we can't tell you when to get up and get going or when you'll feel the energy to "move on".

BUT TODAY
If you want to eat the entire box of the Little Debbie snacks, eat them. If you want to stay in your pajamas all day, go for it. If you want to cry tears of sadness, don't forget the extra box of tissue!

BUT TOMORROW (in the days to come)
Wake up and rejoice in another day. Make your Dad proud by "keepin on". Live YOUR life to the fullest and cherish the memories you have of your Dad. He raised an amazing woman in you and for that, you should find some peace in your heart!

((((more hugs)))

Nancy said...

Oh sweet Becky
Its gonna take time. Give yourself the time you need to grieve. Give yourself time to feel the emotions. I asked my friend CArol, who lost her son, if it would get better. And she said there are all stages of grief.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. We love you and keep you in our thoughts and prayers
Love
Nancy

MaryH said...

Yes, this will pass, in its own time, in your own time and with the help of many, many carbs or WHATEVER it is that soothes the pain. You have to grieve and only you know how you need to grieve. On top of grief, you have just a few little other issues that certainly help to stir up the need to crawl away from IT ALL for a time. When my dad passed, he was elderly, he was ill, he had dimentia - it didn't make the loss any less or the grief easier or the energy return quickly. There is no timetable - so give yourself time. Praying and sending you HUGS!

Anonymous said...

For months after my dad died in an accident, I would have these moments when I would remember that I was suddenly living in a world where I didn't have a father anymore, and each time the realization would take my breath away. Even as adults with families of our own, the pain is overwhelming. Everyone grieves in their own way, but likely next week will be better than this one; next month better again. It takes time, but it REALLY does get better. Don't feel sad about feeling sad ...

Hugs, GS in Canada

Lesley said...

Becky
When my mom died I was in such despair. I lived in my pajamas for 2 months. Literally. I sat at the computer for 2 months. It was all I could do to take a shower. I was just so sad and didnt want to be in this world without my mom.
Finally I took myself to the bookstore and got a couple of books on grief, read them and realized there was nothing weird about the way I felt. I had been too hard on myself. I had felt I was not bouncing back like I 'should'. But I was OK, just horribly sad.
Slowly, I came around. It's a process. And can't be forced.
Go slow. It took me quite a while.

Can I just say that I had no idea how painful it was to lose a parent? I figured it was 'natural'(in comparison to losing a child) so it shouldn't be TOO bad. I was genuinely surprised at how awful it was. It was shocking to me.

Hang in there.

becky m in buffalo said...

each little step counts. atleast you re able to move at your own pace. so maybe being in limbo is whats best for you and it was right where your suppose to be.
i remember when my dad passed i was only allowed 5 days from work. i was glad i worked at night and only one worker with me. i would spend many nights hiding and crying. i always cried on my way to work and i still dont know why. its been alittle more then a year and i still get overwhelmed with the urge to cry always at the same spot. also it didnt help that mariah carey came out with a song called good bye right when my dad passed. i was taking the bus to work cuase gas was really high and it came on...i tried hard not to cry and look silly but couldnt so i stared as hard as i could out the window.
well now im dont with my rambles...glad you are able to still share your thoughts with us. take care of yourself and take each day as it comes.

Karo said...

Miss Becky,
Wishing I could somehow give you a big ol' hug today.
Love,
Karo

Sue G said...

Um, you WILL have energy again. But probably not until you start eating some protein. Carbs, as you surely know, spike your glucose levels so your energy rises, but then ebb quickly, taking the energy with it.

Okay, that said, keep stuffing it in. It's better to eat carbs and cry then to walk around like everything is okay and you aren't hurting. That kind of stuffing has lasting results of proportions much larger than stuffing carbs.

Grief has no template. You go at your own pace and in your own way. And I suspect you are grieving not only for your dad, but for the interruptions in your life and all that is missing from what you call normal.

Hang on. Hang in. And know that God is aware of your needs and is working on it.

Until then, Little Debbie is a great friend. She does sleepovers, too.

Ann Martin said...

Becky, just hang in. I do get dressed because of the errands to take care of for Mama and going across the yard to check on her. The tears still come as they are doing now and I have been doing that two weeks longer than you. Some times are better and others are not. Thank you for letting me share my grief with you and know that we are going through the same emotions at this time. Wish I could hug you now as you did me a short time ago. I had no idea you would be experiencing the same grief two weeks to the day that I was going through. God is good and He is ever present. I, too, ate too much and gained 5 pounds during Daddy's two weeks illness and then the week of the funeral. Now I have to get rid of them but I have not gotten to that point of really trying, yet. Thank you notes are still to be written even though most of them were finished today. I have about 12 left to write for Mama. She did help with some. We wrote over 100 notes for flowers, food, and memorial gifts. Friends have been wonderful. Love you and have a good night's sleep. Mama is having trouble sleeping. Please pray for her.

Pam D said...

Leave it to Sue to end with a punch line. Yes, Little Debbie does sleepovers, and unfortunately, she does NOT want to be evicted once she sets up housekeeping. She and I are locked in a pitched battle at this very moment. Just sayin'..
And the missing? I suppose I'd rather have that deep grief that comes from losing someone who loved me so well throughout my life than to have no strong emotions at the loss of a parent. Grief is the interest that you pay for a lifetime of love, no matter how long that lifetime is. But when you have faith and hope, they cover some of cost and make it less of a burden. Be easy on yourself, Becky, and don't let anyone "hurry" you through your grief. And know that you will miss your dad for all of your days, but it will become one of those threads that makes the fabric of your life stronger and more beautiful.
And Little Debbie? She really is a heartless friend... but she sure does make you feel good for a little while.

Chill said...

Whether you will ever want to crawl out of the PJs, nah, but you will. Whether you will want to stop crying, nah, but you will. Whether everthing will be normal again, nah, well maybe, as normal seems to change with time, but it will. Just knowing those who still remain with you are pulling for you and your happiness and healing can help, if you let it, but it is OK if you don't, cause this pain stays with you, but you can determine how you want to feel. Choices are hard when the heart is sick. I lost Mom and Dad seven weeks apart in 2003, and still hurt every day, but I chose to be happy. I have to make that decision every day, or my mind wanders back to that season of pain. Take your time, let God heal you well.

Chill said...

Stand Still
From the depths of the heart
You cry for the pain to depart
Health to restore to show His love to you more
Weary and weak we need His life to speak
And tell sorrow to flee and to set me free
For you are like the spider caught in its web
You need your strength to be restored
And Faith emboldened as sorrows are diminished
Pain relieved
Groaning of Waning of desire
Pains of remorse you want loneliness to depart
No one understands my pain
No one can know my heartache
Your pain He bore
Your wounds he healed
Your cross He carried
Your fear he relieved
Your health to restore
Faith soars, your heartache and panic He relieves
Constant abiding in His love and care
Like a Father his child’s worries to bear
Helplessness vanishes with help from above
Soaring like eagles, yet on wings of a dove.
Freely you fly to your God up above
Wrapped in His glory hear whispers of love
From the Creator who made you with all knowing eyes
Who shaped you and formed you for all of your life
Peace and prosperity He wills to bring
Causing your heart a new melody to sing
Weariness departs at the wink of His eye
Darkness departs as the clouds from your sky
Sweet mercies of love pour down from above
And fill you with gladness and joy in His love
Keep trusting my friend as He will complete
All that He started in you this very week
His plans for you never changed when pain was your lot
His Path still lies before you unchanged and unhindered
His will to perform in your life lies silently ahead
Don’t worry, don’t fret, He will never depart
His will and His way was above ours since the start
Great things He will show you
Great things He will do
Just keep trusting in His dear care
Like in the care of The Father He is
Stand still and see His salvation!
tbush